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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Not Liking this

So I worked so hard to lose 30 pds. I thought I looked great, and I felt great.
And now, 10 weeks into this pregnancy I have gained over 5 pds in my belly and boobs.
My uterus tends to grow big, it always did. With the other kids I measured 4 weeks at least ahead.
So why I am surprised.
But, I am having a hard time dealing with the fat look.
It does not look like I am pregnant, it looks like I am fat.
None of my clothes fit, my scrubs are tight (good thing I kept the ones from pre-weight loss)
I bought a few mat. dresses and thats all I have. Of course the weather cooled off, not good for summer dresses.
I do not have extra money to spend at this time on clothes.
I am trying to borrow some off my best friend.
All my mat clothes are large and xl. I am a med. now. I am not depressing myself further by wearing those!!!!
Ugh.
I know I am growing a baby, but I still feel like I am getting too big too fast.
I am still sick. I am ok during the day, when I work, but evening kills me.
I have no energy still and can sleep all the time.
so tell me, how can i get myself to exercise when I want to puke or sleep lol.
I keep telling myself in 2 weeks when I hit trimester 2, things may ease off.
then I can start exercising to lose some of the pudge lol.
I pray this happens.
I do not want to gain as much as I did with arianna.
I eat small meals, often. as if I let my stomach get empty I will start throwing up my own saliva.
It is a lose lose situation for me. SIGH
this is a real pity post for me.
I am REALLY having a hard time gaining this weight :(
I do not know how to deal. It just makes me cry.


Ok enough of that.
I am so proud of my little Arianna.
She passed her swimming class again. She is in the last level for preschool.
She can swim laps, front stroke and back stroke. She can dive. It is amazing to how much her confidence shot up. she can be in deep water now, and swim free!!! No need to worry. It is wonderful.

We are preparing for the visit of my mother in law and niece Lara.
They will be with us for over a week.
The kids are so excited.
We have many fun things planned, including playland, waterslides, beach, canada day parade and fair, and more!
I have 6 days off, I just work the friday. So it will be a nice break for all of us.

I am counting down until I no longer have to follow a schedule. I am tired! I think the LATEST I will go off on Mat leave will be Dec 1. But the physical demand of my job may make that earlier.
I was asked to start working in Day surgery. But, I am not sure I want to start a new unit at this time. I have some shifts booked for Sept. so I need to decide. It is easier there, but considering I may not work often after mat. leave and I do not have many months left at work now, is there a point?! I just dont know.....

Well, its ariannas year end party at school today. We are bringing veggies and dip.
she has 3 days left until grade one! wow....
and my baby james will be in kindergarten! :(
Good thing I have a baby coming to be home with me lol.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I do this why?

I am the sickest pregnant person out there, and yet I am choosing to keep on having babies lol.
I guess in the end it must be worth it ;)
But, boy do I suffer.
I am on the maximum dose of the pregnancy drug for vomitting. thats 8 pills a day. The cost of these things is insane. Thank goodness we get 100% coverage.
I still think I am doing pretty well compared to the last 2. With them, I threw up day and night....and was taking only 4 pills a day (no one told me I could take more !!)
This time, I almost always lose my dinner lol. I get sickest in the afternoon and evening. Every day. No fail.
I have only had morning sickness a few times.
I am really trying to do what I can to manage, as this time I am working.
I have some better days. and then some really bad ones.
Like last night. I could not keep anything down, and even my saliva was making me puke LOL.
Yes, it was bad.
I passed out just after 8pm thank goodness.
Today is ok so far again. I managed breakfast. But I know, afternoon hits and I feel the nausea. Sigh.
3 more weeks until the first trimester ends. I pray I get some relief!
I really want to keep working. its good for me.
I have gained a few pounds already! EEEK.
I am paranoid about getting fat again after losing all the weight before.
I know its in my belly and boobs right now hehe.
As soon as I get some energy back I need to start walking. Then it will be prenatal classes I think. no need to gain too much with this one. I am not sitting at home!

So yes, that is what is going on here. the kids are excited. James told me my belly was growing and soon I am going to be fat...LOL nice kid.
I have NO idea what I think this one is....And I love the fact I am not going to find out. it is making this experience fun.

I think we will be keeping it all a secret...names included :D

My first instinct says girl. As I think I was more evening sick with Arianna. But who knows. I think is my ass and thighs grow it is a girl LOL.
Brandon wants another boy.
I have no preference. Boy would be nice for James....and then Arianna can move into her own room eventually.

Rose will be done with us when the baby is born.
And things are not 100% but, I do not think I will be going back to my line at work.
Things for me have not been the way I want them.
My kids and family have not always been number one. And that bugs me.
For example. I had to miss Ariannas sports day cause of work. I hate that.
I want it to be that I work when I want...and my kids always come first.
So, I think we will be making some changes.
I thnk home is where I will be number one, and work will come second....when its convenient.
The reason I did my nursing was so one day when kids were old, I had something to go back to. It turned into more work then I had anticipated, for many reasons, but we are going to fix it.
No regrets for the last year and a half as I gained many skills and confidence as a nurse. Now I can feel comfortable working occasionaly.
Besides, I do not want someone else seeing this new baby walk for the first time...I was there for the first 2, and I will be for this one.....

Phew. good enough update?